Finding time, and saying no
In my previous post, I talked about pacing myself. I have more things I’d like to accomplish than I have time to commit to those things, so I want to focus my available time on the things that matter the most without setting unrealistic goals.
In thinking about this, I realized that one of my biggest challenges is that I don’t say “no” to enough things, which leaves me with very little time to say “yes” to the things that matter to me.
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There are two main situations in which I find it difficult to say no:
When I believe that saying yes is the polite or kind thing to do (a sense of obligation to society at large)
When I think that saying yes is the expected thing to do (a sense of obligation to my employer or family members, for example)
So, in either case, the core reason I have a hard time saying no is out of a sense of obligation.
On the surface, this sounds like a life centered on service to others. Indeed, that’s how it started: I was raised on many nights and weekends activities that involved performing a service for others. While this taught me a wealth of practical skills and helped me develop a strict work ethic, it also set me on a path of thinking that I needed to put the asks of others before my own needs. That, in turn, turned into frustration and bitterness as I aged because I felt as if I was often giving while not getting anything back. In appropriate doses doing something for someone else can lead to a sense of joy for being kind to someone else. However, I have taken this too far and have found myself chronically sacrificing many of the things that have been important to me over many years. I’m still working with the fallout from those choices.
Setting boundaries
If I were to set a theme for 2023, it would be “setting boundaries” and learning to focus on what I need to do rather than all the optional things I may be asked to do. Even while writing this, I’m feeling the frustration of being over-committed. At the moment, I have at least half a dozen optional things that are time-pressing and running late. I said I would do these things, so I feel obligated to do them because I want to keep my word. This Substack post is just one of those things (I promised myself I’d work on more creativity this year), yet while I’m committing these words to the page, my stomach is turning about everything on my plate.
So, where does this Substack and other creative endeavors fall on my priority list? Should I be writing this at all? Yes, I should be writing—it’s important to me, fills me with creative energy, and will get me closer to my goals.
Getting organized again
The cure to most situations like this is pretty simple if I can remember to do it:
Make a list of everything on my plate
Prioritize the list
Start saying no to optional items
Update the priority of items left on the list appropriately
So that’s what I did over the weekend. I already feel a little better and am glad to be moving forward.